The very long baseball game.


My parents in 2001.


The morning of the day Mom died, the sky was white, as if there was a cataract covering the eye of the world. Clare woke me up and said, Come downstairs, her breathing has changed.

Julie made pancakes, because we still needed food. Then we just sat in her room, listening to her breathe, draped over the furniture like clocks in a Dali painting.

Donald said, What is this like? And someone else said, It’s like being at a baseball game.

We said, yeah…how each catch of breath feels like a foul ball where we sit up and say, “This is it!” and then it’s not, and we settle back in our seats.

How we would leave to go get more food, and then come back to our seats. How we would leave to use the bathroom, then come back to our seats. And ask, which inning is it now? Because we didn’t know how many innings there would be.

She died at 2:12pm.

My Dad has been changing a lot in the last six months. I hate the word “decline.” I hate even saying “his body isn’t working anymore.” It’s working, but according to the laws of a different universe. We have no idea how much time we have. Pam and Tierra take good care of him. Julie, Clare, and Donald come to help when Pam visits her daughter. I visit twice a week.

We honestly don’t know if it’s the final inning, or the first inning, or if we’re even in the parking lot yet.

So we just sit, and love, as best we can.


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23 Comments on “The very long baseball game.”

  1. How beautiful. It’s all there on the page. My sympathies.

  2. Thank you for articulating how it feels. I watch over my grandparents and it’s the same…

  3. Milly Lyon says:

    yes, Monica. That is it. That is what it looks like and that is how it feels. Beautiful and overflowing with heart in your telling. Thank you for the gift.

  4. Thinking of you and your family often, Monica.

  5. j says:

    Immeasurably touched by your memories and by your family’s journey. It opens my soul to re-remember my family’s journey. My father’s 53 day baseball game: 11/03/2009 5:36 pm. He was my greatest love. From my heart to yours: much light and love.

  6. Bill Manzer says:

    Thank you, Monica…this is very touching and beautiful. Jeanne

  7. Susan Griffith says:

    That’s exactly what it feels like. Memories stir even now. My heart goes out to you as you weather yet another inning. Peace be with you and your family.

  8. JOAN-ANNE says:

    Thanks Monica… we have met. I want to say I am one of Aunt Laura’s best friends. I knew your Mom before you were in her womb. She continues to be blessed in our life GOD BLESS

  9. Christina Merkal says:

    Sometimes I read what you write and all I have are emotions welling up, spilling over, and no words to articulate what all of that means from me to you. The best thing I can think of is I wish I could give you a warm cup of your favorite tea and a spot that conjures a really wonderful memory.

  10. Tracy says:

    Monica…how beautifully captured this is….as you know (I think?) my mom died during the rehearsal process of WEGSK. The decline before then was long, slow, apparent, then not. The last week I spent at her bedside was the most astonishing thing I’ve ever been through, and a gift.
    You already know, already have the wisdom I’d impart: be there as much as you can. It’s enough. It’s blessed.

  11. Aquileana says:

    💫✨🌟I nominated you for a Sisterhood of The World Bloggers Award… In case you are interested, you can read more by the end of this post All my best wishes. Aquileana 😀

  12. Sisay says:

    quite touching Monica. I am really sorry for all the sad incidents of your family life. The death of your mother was a heart breaking moment which really affected your fathers health. I knew that from my family story. My dad died two years after my mom had died. May God give your dad strength to stand all the pains. May God bless those who give him support and comfort. Amen

  13. […] in literature, my travels in Iran, how to travel to Iran, non-monogamy, finding an agent, parental death, mansplaining, romantic love, living in Belize, creative control, childlessness, work ethic, day […]

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