The daily quiet panic.


The view from my balcony last night.


Today I was sitting at my writing desk, overlooking the snow, trying to translate all the beautiful things in my head into words, remembering Iran and Belize and all the people I love, and I grabbed my headphones and listened to this and buried my face in my hands and cried.

This happens almost every day. At least one moment of panic that I won’t get the chance to live as long as I need to live to do all the things I need to do.

I used to not want to be here. I wanted to be with my mother, wherever she was.

And now I think of how happy she must be, that I love life this much, to cry like this.


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9 Comments on “The daily quiet panic.”

  1. Jackie says:

    You have accomplished so much already. No moss has grown under your feet.

    I know those moments when our mortality “smacks” us in the face though. When Shaun was 2, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had put on a brave face for Roger and Shaun each day for a year, but each night I would lie down with Shaun till he would go to sleep, Then I would get up, look down at him and cry and pray to God that I could live till he was done with school, Pleading that no one could love him the way I would.

    Years later as he was getting closer to graduation, I broke down again and prayed that I might have the whole enchilada. I wanted to see him get married, see and love his children and see him happy.

    God could not be that cruel not to fulfill those same wishes I know your Mom had. She sees you. Love you Monica.

  2. C says:

    One day — one day — you will feel more like the first song on that album rather than the last. You will.

  3. Carolina says:

    As a Portuguese fan of yours, I was very glad to find that one of our best artists could be part of such a powerful moment. And I am sure you’ll go on loving life for very long – and us, your readers, loving it through your work too. Thank you for that.

    • Monica Byrne says:

      Thank YOU, Carolina. I’ve only just discovered Ana Moura and was so happy to have done so. It’s still the only song I want to hear…I’m stuck in a lovely limbo.

  4. Julie E. Byrne says:

    This was an amazing one. I get it.



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