Till we have faces.


Last night I finished Till We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis. I was wiping away tears in the coffee shop and trying not to make a scene; once I was in my car and driving home, though, I really broke down.

It was a new experience of an old feeling—what I know from the Narnia books, which is the longing for complete reconciliation, for a sun-filled courtyard where all beloved are present, and everything is understood, and everything is put right, for all eternity.

But I realized it had also instilled in me a longing for death. Over the years, as my mother grew sicker and finally died, that longing became a romance with melancholy that caused me great damage and would have caused me more, had I not been fortunate enough to have a good therapist and encounter the Buddhist chaplain at MIT, when I did.

So part of me was deeply grateful, again, to Jack for causing me to feel so deeply and to touch the truth that underlies everything, which is that Love wins in the end. But another part of me was angry. I’ve done so much work in recent years to love this life, on earth. I hope my work witnesses that this, too, is truth.

5 Comments on “Till we have faces.”

  1. eightdecades says:

    It is a joy that we can feel! As I have experienced most of the people in my life leaving before me, I have wondered at the pain and how it would seem so easy to not have to experience it. Love is a joy that is only really experienced because we have felt pain. Love wins all the time and is there today too, I think not just in the end, but If we allow, always. Pain is us feeling us, love is us feeling them.
    Liked your posting, liked the image you chose, and felt your pain.

  2. Nora says:

    Monica, you have a wonderful way of explaining feelings that are far more universal than we all want to admit. Thank you!

  3. denizb33 says:

    I agree with Nora. Love that last paragraph.

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